


I'm So Fucked Up (And Other Things Walter Would Never Admit)

by callmejude



Category: Breaking Bad
Genre: M/M, Season/Series 05, Somnophilia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-22
Updated: 2013-08-22
Packaged: 2017-12-24 06:56:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/936749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/callmejude/pseuds/callmejude
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Walt told the staff his name was Walter Pinkman. He wasn’t afraid of running into Jesse’s actual father here. They pointed him in the direction of his room without too many questions and left him alone.</p><p>Based off of the scene from The End of Evangelion. Yeah. THAT scene.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm So Fucked Up (And Other Things Walter Would Never Admit)

He may not be in the game anymore, but he still has eyes all over Albuquerque, so it doesn’t take long to find him once he sets his mind to it. He gets a call from Saul at around four in the morning. “I found the kid,” he says in that carefully detached tone he uses at all times, “But you’re not gonna like it.”

Jesse was checked into a hospital in town by some anonymous Good Samaritan who found him lying outside in the cold. He was entirely unresponsive, but his vitals were normal. Saul told Walt it was possible that they were moving him to a psychiatric wing if he didn’t improve soon.

Walt told the staff his name was Walter Pinkman. He wasn’t afraid of running into Jesse’s actual father here. They pointed him in the direction of his room without too many questions and left him alone.

For a while, Walt is content just to sit there. He watches Jesse’s chest rise and fall and listens to the repetitious thrum of machinery, the consistent, quiet beep of Jesse’s heart monitor.

He doesn’t look too much worse than the last time Walt saw him. It isn’t exactly a good thing. He doesn’t look as if he’s eaten or slept much in months and without knowing for sure Walt can guess that the hospital gown on him right now is probably the first clean thing he’s worn since before Walt left the business.

“Jesse…” His voice is rough when he finally uses it. Jesse doesn’t move, which Walt isn’t used to. Even at his most depressed, his most ridiculously strung out, Jesse had always reacted to Walt’s voice. Walt doesn’t know what to do when he doesn’t.

“Jesse, it’s over. You can have a new life, now. Any kind you want. You can start over, move anywhere in the world, you have the money. You’re free, Jesse. We both are. It’s done.”

Jesse is silent, as Walt logically knew he would be, but it’s wearing on him. He doesn’t know what to do when Jesse doesn’t answer him, doesn’t look at him, doesn’t even blink. It’s wrong and it gives Walt an itch just under the skin, on his hands and between his eyes.

He sits down on the bed and digs the heels of his hands into his eyes, trying to ebate the feeling.

“Jesse, stop this.” It’s stupid, of course he’s not going to respond, but a sudden irrational anger snaps in Walt and he grabs Jesse’s shoulders. “Stop being such an insolent child! You’ve been given everything! I’ve given you a whole new life and you’re wasting it just like your old one!”

Jesse slumps like a ragdoll in his grip, which is more terrifying than Walt lets himself think at the moment. “Jesse you pathetic little shit! Listen to me!”

Jesse slumps forward, falling onto Walt’s shoulder, and Walt freezes. Jesse’s breath is coming out in short puffs against his neck and he isn’t moving. Nothing is moving except for the rise and fall of his chest.

It’s so quiet and no one’s there. The low buzz of the machines can almost be mistaken for just the echo of blood pounding in Walt’s ears. He can hardly hear anything else. The heart monitor’s soft beeping is nearly drowned out by Walt’s own heartbeat. It’s too hot and too much and Jesse isn’t moving. _He’s not moving._

Walt doesn’t even know what he’s doing. He remembers wanting to do this before, several times, back when Jesse spoke to him and bubbled with excitement every time Walt did anything. He remembers When they were stranded in the desert and Jesse slept next to him, whispering quietly every few hours, “Mr. White?” out of fear that Walt had stopped breathing.

He remembers carrying Jesse home after finding him passed out in a den, and how Jesse curled around him and apologized, voice slurring, over and over into Walt’s shirt. He remembers high fives and exclamations of “Yeah, Mr. White!” and bright smiles whenever Walt praised him for anything.

He remembers these things more often than he wants to admit, thinks about them every day. He doesn’t want to, but he does. He and Skyler haven’t had sex in months, but even when they had, sometimes the thoughts would creep in.

Jesse on his knees, on his back, straddling his lap. Jesse with his legs wrapped hard around Walt’s waist.

All he can feel is breath on his neck and a hand on his cock and if he just shuts his eyes and doesn’t think then maybe it’s Jesse. Maybe this whole thing isn’t happening and everyone’s still safe. Maybe he’s still an undeniable god of the ABQ and Jesse’s world still revolves around him and none of this even has to happen. No Gus, no Mike, no Hank. Just he and Jesse and all the money they’d ever need.

He comes without a noise, as reality seeps back in before he can stop it.

He jerks, suddenly, and Jesse slides off of him. He catches him with his clean hand before he falls forward on the bed and lays him back, getting to his feet and walking away slowly.

He can’t breathe. He closes his eyes again, but the breathing’s gone, the pounding in his ears has lessened - it’s just the heart monitor. Beep. Beep. Beep.

He needs to get out of here. He ducks into the adjacent bathroom and scrubs at his hands until they’re red. He doesn’t know what else to do, so he leaves.

A nurse tries to stop him in the hallway, calls out “Mr. Pinkman!”

Walt doesn’t go back to the hospital before he leaves the state.

**Author's Note:**

> yeah this is all because of a conversation with my girlfriend because we both got back into Eva recently and really I'm so sorry.


End file.
